[ He follows her to the bench and makes sure she sits down, then sits next to her on the edge. There's enough room on her other side if Shuichi wants to sit. ]
[She does sit! And glances up at Shuichi, hoping he'll take the empty seat beside her. It's awkward to talk like that, maybe, but she wants him close.
Either way, she can't hold his gaze, hands going to her head to massage away a throbbing headache, her elbows against her knees. Saying it out loud is kind of like making it true, in a way, isn't it? Admitting that she's afraid, when Shuichi at the very least needs her to be strong and reliable. So she stares at the ground as she starts to ask something, stops, composes herself again as she hears her voice start to shake. Rephrases.]
There's...
...
You guys... never found anything that talked about how we got to that awful Academy, right? W-why... why we were the ones in that horrible game...?
[Once more, Shuichi glances uncertainly at Minato, but it's little more than a flick of his eyes this time. He's pretty sure this means Kaede HAS told him about the killing game...though just how much, he can't tell.]
[But wow, that is...not what he was expecting her to ask. Oh boy. He was kind of hoping she'd never ask this, just because the answer is kind of complicated and uncertain.]
Yes and no. I thought we had it all figured out but... [With a sigh, he runs a hand through his hair and takes the seat on Kaede's other side, leaning forward and resting his arms on his thighs.] Supposedly, it was because the Earth was wiped out by meteors. In order to deal with the oncoming catastrophe, the leaders of the world started the Gofer Project. The academy was actually a spaceship and the sixteen of us were the last survivors of humanity, meant to be the Adams and Eves of a new world. Monokuma was snuck onboard by a cult bent on humanity's complete destruction. He sent the ship back to Earth, years later, woke us all up, and started the...killing game [It's safe to call it that in front of Minato, right? Why can't you just call it what it is, Kaede?] in order to ruin the Gofer Project.
[Leaving a few details out on purpose there. Sorry about that, Kaede, but he's 1) not sure it's his place to share those details and 2) even if it was, they aren't the business of anyone who wasn't in the killing game. Sorry, Minato. He sits up, resting his back against the bench and staring up at the sky.]
But...that might be partially or even wholly a lie. I don't know now. We saw the outside world and it...it was apocalyptic. There were no people in the streets, buildings were in shambles...we couldn't even breathe the air. So it all seems true, but...Oma-kun says that killing games are meant to be watched. If there's no audience, there's no point. And no need to stick so fiercely to the rules.
[As he speaks, it's taking everything Kaede has not to interrupt. She stares at him, jaw dropped, and glances toward Minato for a moment to make sure that he's hearing the same thing she is. Huh? Huh? Gophers? Meteors?]
Huh? [is all she can say again, dropping her hands and turning to face him more fully, eyes flicking across his face as if looking for-- something. She doesn't think Shuichi would joke about something like this, or tell lies, but this just doesn't make any sense.]
B-but... you don't seriously think that we'd be part of a group like that, do you? I mean... I'm just a Piano Freak.
[Who looks at all the people on Earth and says ah, yes, the pianist. Pick that one.]
Also... how could we forget something like that...? The whole world getting destroyed by meteors. [she almost laughs, but can't quite muster it, just shaking her head.] None of that makes any sense...
I don't know. But...right now, does it really matter if it's true or not? We're not in that Academy, we have no way of finding out the truth here. That's why I didn't tell you any of this before now...
[And if she hadn't asked, he never would have.]
But Monokuma had these things...Flashback Lights, he called them, that were capable of restoring out memories. It's not so impossible to think that he had something that did the reverse as well. Obviously, he must have, since none of us remembered how we got there in the first place, right?
[It kind of does matter! That's a big deal, Shuichi! Kaede looks shell-shocked to hear that Shuichi even thinks something like that even has the remotest chance of being true. Like... the whole world being destroyed? Where would they have gone, even if they'd been able to escape back then? It just makes everything she did seem even more pointless.
Even if they manage to save their world from the Hunger, is there a world left to save?
Shuichi doesn't know the answer to that any better than she does, though, and she forces herself to set those thoughts aside for later. Even bringing up the idea of a Flashback Light that alters their memories makes her stomach churn and her words stick in her throat.]
T-The video. The one Sans-san had somehow... it was a video of me. Talking to a camera a-as if... as if it were an audition.
[Elbows on her knees, her hands twine back into her hair again, tugging it back slightly as she stares at the ground. Like before with Minato, pulling her hair back like that reveals the thin, wispy streaks of blood that had dripped from her ears and since been swept around by her hair.]
I was saying... I wanted to join the Killing Game. That I was perfect for it...
[Shuichi stares at her in utterly dumbfounded silence. He's trying to process what she just said but it's like his mind has just come to a grinding halt. He doesn't really even register the thin streaks of blood around her ears and all of their surroundings seem to fall away.]
[But after a few minutes, light comes back to his eyes and he shakes his head a little, as if to clear it and strengthen his resolve. His voice is a soft whisper when he speaks:]
That...can't be right. It must have been some kind of... [He glances around helplessly, looking at Minato as if asking for support. What's the word he's looking for here, help him out. He's still so new to all this magic bullshit.] I-I don't know, illusion or spell...or something. This place is messing with our heads. Akamatsu-san, we never found anything like that at the academy...why would any of us have willingly signed up for something like that? Th-think about it logically for a second...if we did want to participate, why would Monokuma have made us forget that fact? It doesn't make any sense.
[ Minato looks a little surprised. It's a lot of information and not really his place to judge any of it so he's been silent while they talked, but wanting to join the killing game? Kaede's been adamant that it was horrible and she'd never wish it on anyone. But if this Monokuma could change their memories somehow... They don't want to hear that. ]
It could be showing you something you fear.
[ There's magic around. Pretty much anything is possible with that. ]
[She lets Shuichi take his time to process things, still staring at the ground, trying to keep her composure. She wants to think it's magic, an illusion, a spell, a trick of this awful place. And when he speaks, she shakes her head, hands still tugging at her hair as if to keep herself focused.]
N-nothing about that horrible place made sense, Saihara-kun. E-Even what you told me sounds totally fake, doesn't it?
[She looks to Minato, and her expression twists. It's true, that is something she fears, but...]
Do you remember... those caverns outside Vista Virs...?
[She looks back to Shuichi, visibly wrestling with what she wants to say.]
I-it was a place where... we kept running into illusions of ourselves. Like- like someone took our deepest, darkest secrets, and put them into one person. The only way they would leave us alone was if we accepted them a-as part of ourselves, and mine was...
[The tone of her voice implies an unspoken like that, like that video Sans had. It doesn't discredit Shuichi's and Minato's theories, but it's hard to get past the idea that there's a part of her, a part she tries her best not to think about, that wants to act on her darker and more violent impulses.]
[Even what you told me sounds totally fake, doesn't it? Well...no, actually. Not really. A little over the top, maybe but...he remembers the news reports about the meteors. He remembers the Ultimate Hunt and the funeral they staged to to fake their own deaths and escape both the Hunt AND the Gofer Project.]
[So no, the partially untrue story they were told doesn't sound totally fake to him. Just certain bits that he now knows to be lies. And so, he doesn't answer that first question. Instead, he listens to everything else Kaede has to say.]
[Again, he's silent for a few minutes but it's a calmer, more contemplative silence this time.]
I think...it's like Arisato-kun says. You probably...pushed those illusions from the cavern to the back of your mind since that time, right? I don't think the back of our minds are as safe a place as they normally are here. I think Wonderland...o-or the Relic or the person using it, is probably preying on those things you fear most in an effort to break you. To stop you from doing what we came here to do. It's kind of like the train all over again...psychological warfare rather than physical.
[He looks up, attempting to meet Kaede's eye and give her a small smile.]
Because Akamatsu-san definitely isn't the sort of person who would willingly volunteer for something that hurts others.
[ He remembers the caverns. He remembers talking Goro through the manifestation of his self-resentment. He remembers Ryoji. Those weren't fake. He doubts hers was either. She faced some aspect of herself back then, something real, and the orb she looked into brought that back. Maybe it's time she faced it again, if she's up for it. Sorry to ruin your sweet speech, Shuichi, but a beat after he's done Minato adds two words. ]
[Kaede's used to sitting in silence. Minato does something similar sometimes, when they're talking, so getting this kind of silent treatment from Shuichi isn't anything new. She lets him think about what he wants to say, focuses on trying to keep herself from feeling sick, from dreading everything she saw, distract herself away from the pounding ache between her ears.]
Saihara-kun...
[He's so kind. She meets his eyes, a little reassured by his words and that soft smile. She hadn't been lying back then, during the Killing Game; there's something about being close to Shuichi that fills her with a kind of courage. It doesn't sound right, it doesn't resonate like the truth should feel, but it makes her feel better. Maybe he's right.
And then Minato qualifies Shuichi's statement, and the smile that had started to tug at her lips fractures. Tears rise in her eyes, and she hunches forward, burying her face in her arms. It doesn't take a paladin's oath or an SHSL detective's observational skills to know that she's trying not to cry. If pressed, she wouldn't be able to say whether it's because based off what she knows from Vista Virs, it feels true, or it's because Minato is willing to believe that's the kind of person she could be.]
[For maybe a whole seconds, Shuichi feels pretty good. He made Kaede feel better, he reassured her...the girl he cares for so much and who always reassures him and makes him feel strong...]
[And then it's like he missed a step going down the stairs. Two simple words that turn his insides to cold lead. For a moment, all he can do is stare in blank disbelief at Minato over Kaede's hunched back. Did he seriously just...]
[But after a few moments, that blank disbelief turns into a small frown, equal parts disappointment and anger. Though, admittedly, not a very strong anger...it's the kind that maybe stings a little, rather than scorches. He rests a hand firmly on Kaede's shoulder.]
Not ever.
[Maybe if he'd been in the caverns, he'd be able to see things from Minato's perspective. To understand that MAYBE there is some basis in truth there and MAYBE facing it is the best thing to do. But he wasn't. He doesn't and can't understand that theory. It's just ridiculous, to think that Kaede would volunteer to be in the killing game. To say that she would be perfect for it.]
[But, even if he could understand it and share Minato's opinion that she needs to face it...even then he wouldn't have brought it up now. Jeez, Minato, have some tact! When someone is this upset, making them MORE upset doesn't help anything. And you call yourself Kaede's friend??]
[ Uh. The air sure got frigid suddenly. Shuichi's look says Minato should have kept his mouth shut. Woops. Well, it's not like he's going to fight them into talking about it. Minato offers a shrug to Shuichi. It didn't seem inappropriate a few seconds ago...
He doesn't mind that Kaede's on verge of tears, but he is worried now that he's maybe upset her too much -- that she's upset at him instead of everything that's happened. Ugh, he should have just lied to begin with. ]
[She leans into Shuichi's hand, presses her palms into her eyes and tries to breathe past gasping sobs. Shuichi believes in her so, so much, and she wishes she could be as certain of his perspective as he is. She wants to be strong for him, someone reliable, someone who can make up for all the awful things she put him through during the Killing Game.
Training as a paladin had made it easier for her to spot lies, press the weak points in an argument better than she had during that horrible class trial. The weak point is there, right there in the tone of his voice, the way he reverses position. Why does he think that? Is it because he knows she's a murderer, knows she's killed since that awful game?
It hurts. Her hands go to her heart, and both boys can probably feel the stab of pain that accompanies the thought that Minato thinks she's capable of being the kind of person to enjoy a game like that.
But in a way, he's right, too. The part of her from the caverns, the darker part that tells her not to have faith in humanity, tells her that of course he would think that. He's right to think it. She did start the killing game and make Shuichi suffer, after all.]
I-I'm not, [she manages finally, both hands clutching at her heart as she stares at the ground.] I'm not like that, I'm not! I never, ever want to be like that!
[Even without Paladin skills, it's kind of obvious that Minato is backpedaling. But Shuichi doesn't seem to mind. To him, it seems that Minato perhaps didn't mean that in as bad a way as it sounded. In any event, he certainly didn't seem to be trying to hurt Kaede's feelings. And he did apologize.]
[His expression softens somewhat, all traces of anger leaving it (though he still seems a little disappointed) as his eyes leave Minato's to look back down at Kaede. He...doesn't know what to say to her. He felt that stab of heartache but he can't think of anything to say to assuage it. All he can do is nod slightly in a sort of determined affirmation.]
[ Urk. He wanted to talk about it, not argue with them. Or hurt her, as the pang of emotion seems to indicate. He's not afraid of her emotions or her past, but if she doesn't want to talk about it there's nothing to be done. ]
[She doesn't want to talk about it now, at least. Definitely not in front of Shuichi. It's not that she doesn't trust the detective, but rather, she doesn't want to upset him. Even him seeing her doubt herself this much twists at her heart.
Eventually, she manages to choke back her tears, sniffling them up and wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. The leather of her gloves stings a bit, but that's fine.]
...I'm sorry, [she mumbles, looking first to Shuichi, then Minato, trying to force a smile.] I... I wanted to use my Paladin Oath to protect both of you, but instead I just made you worry, huh...?
It's okay... that's nothing to apologize for. I'd...like to be able to help when you're in trouble too....even if it's just for things like this. So...
[So it's really okay that you made him worry, he doesn't mind. Not even going to bother trying to say he doesn't need protecting because...he totally does and he knows it.]
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gotyourbach) wrote2018-11-11 08:24 pm
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Either way, she can't hold his gaze, hands going to her head to massage away a throbbing headache, her elbows against her knees. Saying it out loud is kind of like making it true, in a way, isn't it? Admitting that she's afraid, when Shuichi at the very least needs her to be strong and reliable. So she stares at the ground as she starts to ask something, stops, composes herself again as she hears her voice start to shake. Rephrases.]
There's...
...
You guys... never found anything that talked about how we got to that awful Academy, right? W-why... why we were the ones in that horrible game...?
v3 spoilers
[But wow, that is...not what he was expecting her to ask. Oh boy. He was kind of hoping she'd never ask this, just because the answer is kind of complicated and uncertain.]
Yes and no. I thought we had it all figured out but... [With a sigh, he runs a hand through his hair and takes the seat on Kaede's other side, leaning forward and resting his arms on his thighs.] Supposedly, it was because the Earth was wiped out by meteors. In order to deal with the oncoming catastrophe, the leaders of the world started the Gofer Project. The academy was actually a spaceship and the sixteen of us were the last survivors of humanity, meant to be the Adams and Eves of a new world. Monokuma was snuck onboard by a cult bent on humanity's complete destruction. He sent the ship back to Earth, years later, woke us all up, and started the...killing game [It's safe to call it that in front of Minato, right? Why can't you just call it what it is, Kaede?] in order to ruin the Gofer Project.
[Leaving a few details out on purpose there. Sorry about that, Kaede, but he's 1) not sure it's his place to share those details and 2) even if it was, they aren't the business of anyone who wasn't in the killing game. Sorry, Minato. He sits up, resting his back against the bench and staring up at the sky.]
But...that might be partially or even wholly a lie. I don't know now. We saw the outside world and it...it was apocalyptic. There were no people in the streets, buildings were in shambles...we couldn't even breathe the air. So it all seems true, but...Oma-kun says that killing games are meant to be watched. If there's no audience, there's no point. And no need to stick so fiercely to the rules.
[He looks over at Kaede, expression puzzled.]
Why?
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[As he speaks, it's taking everything Kaede has not to interrupt. She stares at him, jaw dropped, and glances toward Minato for a moment to make sure that he's hearing the same thing she is. Huh? Huh? Gophers? Meteors?]
Huh? [is all she can say again, dropping her hands and turning to face him more fully, eyes flicking across his face as if looking for-- something. She doesn't think Shuichi would joke about something like this, or tell lies, but this just doesn't make any sense.]
B-but... you don't seriously think that we'd be part of a group like that, do you? I mean... I'm just a Piano Freak.
[Who looks at all the people on Earth and says ah, yes, the pianist. Pick that one.]
Also... how could we forget something like that...? The whole world getting destroyed by meteors. [she almost laughs, but can't quite muster it, just shaking her head.] None of that makes any sense...
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[And if she hadn't asked, he never would have.]
But Monokuma had these things...Flashback Lights, he called them, that were capable of restoring out memories. It's not so impossible to think that he had something that did the reverse as well. Obviously, he must have, since none of us remembered how we got there in the first place, right?
Why do you ask, though?
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Even if they manage to save their world from the Hunger, is there a world left to save?
Shuichi doesn't know the answer to that any better than she does, though, and she forces herself to set those thoughts aside for later. Even bringing up the idea of a Flashback Light that alters their memories makes her stomach churn and her words stick in her throat.]
T-The video. The one Sans-san had somehow... it was a video of me. Talking to a camera a-as if... as if it were an audition.
[Elbows on her knees, her hands twine back into her hair again, tugging it back slightly as she stares at the ground. Like before with Minato, pulling her hair back like that reveals the thin, wispy streaks of blood that had dripped from her ears and since been swept around by her hair.]
I was saying... I wanted to join the Killing Game. That I was perfect for it...
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[Shuichi stares at her in utterly dumbfounded silence. He's trying to process what she just said but it's like his mind has just come to a grinding halt. He doesn't really even register the thin streaks of blood around her ears and all of their surroundings seem to fall away.]
[But after a few minutes, light comes back to his eyes and he shakes his head a little, as if to clear it and strengthen his resolve. His voice is a soft whisper when he speaks:]
That...can't be right. It must have been some kind of... [He glances around helplessly, looking at Minato as if asking for support. What's the word he's looking for here, help him out. He's still so new to all this magic bullshit.] I-I don't know, illusion or spell...or something. This place is messing with our heads. Akamatsu-san, we never found anything like that at the academy...why would any of us have willingly signed up for something like that? Th-think about it logically for a second...if we did want to participate, why would Monokuma have made us forget that fact? It doesn't make any sense.
[But spaceship academy does, apparently?]
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It could be showing you something you fear.
[ There's magic around. Pretty much anything is possible with that. ]
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N-nothing about that horrible place made sense, Saihara-kun. E-Even what you told me sounds totally fake, doesn't it?
[She looks to Minato, and her expression twists. It's true, that is something she fears, but...]
Do you remember... those caverns outside Vista Virs...?
[She looks back to Shuichi, visibly wrestling with what she wants to say.]
I-it was a place where... we kept running into illusions of ourselves. Like- like someone took our deepest, darkest secrets, and put them into one person. The only way they would leave us alone was if we accepted them a-as part of ourselves, and mine was...
[The tone of her voice implies an unspoken like that, like that video Sans had. It doesn't discredit Shuichi's and Minato's theories, but it's hard to get past the idea that there's a part of her, a part she tries her best not to think about, that wants to act on her darker and more violent impulses.]
It was horrible, Saihara-kun.
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[So no, the partially untrue story they were told doesn't sound totally fake to him. Just certain bits that he now knows to be lies. And so, he doesn't answer that first question. Instead, he listens to everything else Kaede has to say.]
[Again, he's silent for a few minutes but it's a calmer, more contemplative silence this time.]
I think...it's like Arisato-kun says. You probably...pushed those illusions from the cavern to the back of your mind since that time, right? I don't think the back of our minds are as safe a place as they normally are here. I think Wonderland...o-or the Relic or the person using it, is probably preying on those things you fear most in an effort to break you. To stop you from doing what we came here to do. It's kind of like the train all over again...psychological warfare rather than physical.
[He looks up, attempting to meet Kaede's eye and give her a small smile.]
Because Akamatsu-san definitely isn't the sort of person who would willingly volunteer for something that hurts others.
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... Right now.
[ She's not that person right now. ]
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Saihara-kun...
[He's so kind. She meets his eyes, a little reassured by his words and that soft smile. She hadn't been lying back then, during the Killing Game; there's something about being close to Shuichi that fills her with a kind of courage. It doesn't sound right, it doesn't resonate like the truth should feel, but it makes her feel better. Maybe he's right.
And then Minato qualifies Shuichi's statement, and the smile that had started to tug at her lips fractures. Tears rise in her eyes, and she hunches forward, burying her face in her arms. It doesn't take a paladin's oath or an SHSL detective's observational skills to know that she's trying not to cry. If pressed, she wouldn't be able to say whether it's because based off what she knows from Vista Virs, it feels true, or it's because Minato is willing to believe that's the kind of person she could be.]
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[And then it's like he missed a step going down the stairs. Two simple words that turn his insides to cold lead. For a moment, all he can do is stare in blank disbelief at Minato over Kaede's hunched back. Did he seriously just...]
[But after a few moments, that blank disbelief turns into a small frown, equal parts disappointment and anger. Though, admittedly, not a very strong anger...it's the kind that maybe stings a little, rather than scorches. He rests a hand firmly on Kaede's shoulder.]
Not ever.
[Maybe if he'd been in the caverns, he'd be able to see things from Minato's perspective. To understand that MAYBE there is some basis in truth there and MAYBE facing it is the best thing to do. But he wasn't. He doesn't and can't understand that theory. It's just ridiculous, to think that Kaede would volunteer to be in the killing game. To say that she would be perfect for it.]
[But, even if he could understand it and share Minato's opinion that she needs to face it...even then he wouldn't have brought it up now. Jeez, Minato, have some tact! When someone is this upset, making them MORE upset doesn't help anything. And you call yourself Kaede's friend??]
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He doesn't mind that Kaede's on verge of tears, but he is worried now that he's maybe upset her too much -- that she's upset at him instead of everything that's happened. Ugh, he should have just lied to begin with. ]
Sorry. You're not like that.
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Training as a paladin had made it easier for her to spot lies, press the weak points in an argument better than she had during that horrible class trial. The weak point is there, right there in the tone of his voice, the way he reverses position. Why does he think that? Is it because he knows she's a murderer, knows she's killed since that awful game?
It hurts. Her hands go to her heart, and both boys can probably feel the stab of pain that accompanies the thought that Minato thinks she's capable of being the kind of person to enjoy a game like that.
But in a way, he's right, too. The part of her from the caverns, the darker part that tells her not to have faith in humanity, tells her that of course he would think that. He's right to think it. She did start the killing game and make Shuichi suffer, after all.]
I-I'm not, [she manages finally, both hands clutching at her heart as she stares at the ground.] I'm not like that, I'm not! I never, ever want to be like that!
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[His expression softens somewhat, all traces of anger leaving it (though he still seems a little disappointed) as his eyes leave Minato's to look back down at Kaede. He...doesn't know what to say to her. He felt that stab of heartache but he can't think of anything to say to assuage it. All he can do is nod slightly in a sort of determined affirmation.]
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You won't be.
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Eventually, she manages to choke back her tears, sniffling them up and wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. The leather of her gloves stings a bit, but that's fine.]
...I'm sorry, [she mumbles, looking first to Shuichi, then Minato, trying to force a smile.] I... I wanted to use my Paladin Oath to protect both of you, but instead I just made you worry, huh...?
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[So it's really okay that you made him worry, he doesn't mind. Not even going to bother trying to say he doesn't need protecting because...he totally does and he knows it.]
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