[Even if it shows something different to everyone who looks at it, which she's certain it must, she doesn't want to put Minato through anything like it. It just feels so real, like it was something that happened. If she hadn't seen something similar in Vista Virs, it'd be a lot easier to dismiss as a lie. But after all of that...
She keeps her face buried in her arms, staring down at the dirt between her feet.]
C-Can I ask you something kind of... kind of personal...? [she says finally, when she feels like her voice is more under control. It's still shaking, but it doesn't feel like she's going to throw up as soon as she opens her mouth. She doesn't wait for him to respond before continuing,] W-when you said... you had to learn how... how to care about people, what... what did it feel like before that...? Before you knew your friends?
[ What did it feel like? He leans against the bench, looking up to the sky. ]
People were annoying. Everything was draining. It was... hard to care?
[ Hm. That's not it. That implies that he wanted to care and found it difficult. It was more like... ]
I had no desire to care. About anything. There wasn't anything to get out of it... It was too much energy, maybe. Wasn't worth the effort.
[ He hasn't exactly transformed into the rollercoaster of emotions that Kaede is, but he's gotten better at it. Even if his emotions are dull and he's still apathetic about most things. He's learning, slowly. ]
[She repeats it, quietly, both hands twining back through her hair and tugging a little, as if that little pain will help ease the pounding spikes digging through her brain. Or at least distract her away from it. The motion reveals barely-dried lines of blood trickling down from her ears, streaky and wispy from where it had been swept up by her hair.]
Watching... watching what was in that orb, it felt... kind of like that. [The thought makes her feel sick again, and she doesn't dare lift her head as it rises in her throat. It takes her another few seconds to force herself past it and continue,] Just like... nothing mattered. Nobody mattered. That's not like me, Arisato-kun, b-but... it was me. Just like in the Vista Virs caverns, it felt like...
It felt like Despair.
[she whispers it as if admitting that's what it feels like it some kind of huge admission. And it is, especially now that her friends are relying on her to be the one to stay strong, to stay positive, hopeful against the darkness.]
[ What she describes is how he felt, yes. He nods along to it, though she's not looking at him to see it. He does look at her when she whispers though. ]
It's not joyous. But it happens.
[ Calling it Despair like that sounds like the word holds some deeper meaning to her. And she's worried about it happening to her, which... Well. ]
[Her voice pitches higher, fingers squeezing more tightly in her hair.]
Monokuma... that stupid bear, that's all he talked about! Despair, despair, despair! Even if bad stuff is happening, even if the worst possible things happen, there's just no way I'd just... give up, and let him win! S-So the me in that video, she...
[Kaede trails off again, staring at the ground. Something feels a little strange, distracting her from her diatribe. Then she sits up straight, hands falling to her sides as she looks around.]
Saihara-kun?
[She'd been too distracted earlier, but it's obvious now. He has to be nearby. Thanks, Paladin GPS!]
[Shuichi is, indeed, somewhere nearby. Emphasis on the "somewhere", because he hasn't actually managed to find their exact bench yet. Still working on that, magic GPS is weird.]
[She scrubs her hands across her face, inhaling a shaky breath as if that might help restore some of her composure. It doesn't, really, but she has to try. Is he coming because, like Minato, he sensed her through their joined Oath? Or could it be--
She surges to her feet with renewed determination, wavers, and has to grab onto Minato's shoulder for support.]
W-we can't let him see Sans-san's video! We have to find him!
[It's the former, Kaede. Definitely the former. He has no idea that Sans even HAS a video of the night show because what is checking the network regularly?]
[Fortunately, they don't have to look very far to find him. Because he comes wandering around the side of a nearby building before they get a chance to take more than two or three steps.]
[He's glancing around in a way that says he's not 100% sure if he's in the right spot. But that uncertainty disappears in a second once he actually catches sight of Kaede.]
A-Akamatsu-san!
[He jogs a few steps closer, and that's when he notices that Minato is here as well. He falters a little, coming to a stop sooner than he would have otherwise. Is...is he interrupting something? He's probably interrupting something. His eyes move back and forth between the two of them.]
Ah...Are you okay? I felt...uhm... [Stabbing pain and lots of distress.] I-I can go if I'm interrupting. I just...wanted to be sure you were okay. It felt like...you were in pain.
[But she seems to be fine now so maybe it wasn't actually as bad as the oath made it seem?]
[ He's about to ask her where Shuichi is when he jogs up to the both of them. Convenient! He guides her closer to him, figuring she'd like to hug him or something. ]
[She doesn't even acknowledge whether or not he's interrupting, because that's such a stupid question it's not worth addressing. Shuichi could never be an interruption. Like, for one thing, he's too quiet to really interrupt anything.
Instead she just feels -- she doesn't know. Her emotions are still roiling from that video, guilt that she's bothered him trying and failing to penetrate that veil of apathy that keeps falling between her emotions. Her head still hurts, and now that she's not running to try to find him, nausea is starting to rise in her throat again.
Minato's right, though; she does hug him, though it's more in search of support than an attempt to reassure him.]
I'm sorry, [she mumbles, and isn't sure if she's apologizing for bothering him, or apologizing for not being stronger for him.] Did you see... Sans-san talking about that cursed orb?
[Okay, so Shuichi wasn't expecting a hug at all so his whole body just goes rigid in surprise. His eyes widen and it's clear that he's just becoming more and more confused with each passing moment. He doesn't hug her back, instead his hands just kind of hover awkwardly at their sides. As usual, he seems to have no idea what to do with them. Perhaps even less of an idea than usual, actually.]
Um...who is Sans-san? [So that's a no. He saw nothing about any orbs, cursed or otherwise.] And...you don't need to apologize?
["WHY are you apologizing" is what he really wants to ask.]
[She nods with Minato's description. It's not very descriptive, really, but Sans is the only walking, talking skeleton with a bracer that she's ever met.
Shuichi really is bad about checking the network though, huh...? In some ways, that's a relief, and she closes her eyes to rest her forehead against his shoulder for a moment. They're close enough that even without hugging her back, Shuichi will be able to tell that she's shaking.]
Saihara-kun... [she says finally, very quietly without raising her head.] Umm... c-can I ask you some things about... about that awful game? Please, t-there's... there's something I need to know.
[Judging by the look of recognition, Shuichi HAS seen the skeleton around before. They ran into each other briefly on the train, though he can't say he actually knows him.]
[But, yes, he is really bad about checking the network. Someone save this technologically impaired teenager.]
Ah...uhm... [He glances uncertainly at Minato before answering. She...she must have told him about the killing game at some point, surely? From what he can tell, they're very close and if she feels comfortable enough to mention it in front of him like this... Or has she not? And is that perhaps why she's referring to it simply as "that awful game"? Something vague and non-specific.] Of course. R-Right now, or...
[She doesn't want to break the hug. If anything, she squeezes him more tightly, as if trying to gather her strength before she does finally release him and step back. There was a bench somewhere, wasn't there? She hadn't been in any shape to pay attention, but she's certain Minato lead her to a bench before.]
Sans-san... he said he recorded the Night Show, b-but that awful orb didn't show it at all. It was like...
[She hesitates, spots that bench, and takes a few wobbly steps toward it. She looks back toward Shuichi to make sure he's following, then catches Minato's eye and tilts her head to indicate that he should follow, too. There's no one she trusts more than the two of them, after all.]
[He is following! He's very good at following. Following and listening, putting both of those skills to use right now. Though, he doesn't sit down on the bench just yet. Either he's waiting for Kaede to do so first or he just doesn't feel like sitting down. Hard to say.]
[ He follows her to the bench and makes sure she sits down, then sits next to her on the edge. There's enough room on her other side if Shuichi wants to sit. ]
[She does sit! And glances up at Shuichi, hoping he'll take the empty seat beside her. It's awkward to talk like that, maybe, but she wants him close.
Either way, she can't hold his gaze, hands going to her head to massage away a throbbing headache, her elbows against her knees. Saying it out loud is kind of like making it true, in a way, isn't it? Admitting that she's afraid, when Shuichi at the very least needs her to be strong and reliable. So she stares at the ground as she starts to ask something, stops, composes herself again as she hears her voice start to shake. Rephrases.]
There's...
...
You guys... never found anything that talked about how we got to that awful Academy, right? W-why... why we were the ones in that horrible game...?
[Once more, Shuichi glances uncertainly at Minato, but it's little more than a flick of his eyes this time. He's pretty sure this means Kaede HAS told him about the killing game...though just how much, he can't tell.]
[But wow, that is...not what he was expecting her to ask. Oh boy. He was kind of hoping she'd never ask this, just because the answer is kind of complicated and uncertain.]
Yes and no. I thought we had it all figured out but... [With a sigh, he runs a hand through his hair and takes the seat on Kaede's other side, leaning forward and resting his arms on his thighs.] Supposedly, it was because the Earth was wiped out by meteors. In order to deal with the oncoming catastrophe, the leaders of the world started the Gofer Project. The academy was actually a spaceship and the sixteen of us were the last survivors of humanity, meant to be the Adams and Eves of a new world. Monokuma was snuck onboard by a cult bent on humanity's complete destruction. He sent the ship back to Earth, years later, woke us all up, and started the...killing game [It's safe to call it that in front of Minato, right? Why can't you just call it what it is, Kaede?] in order to ruin the Gofer Project.
[Leaving a few details out on purpose there. Sorry about that, Kaede, but he's 1) not sure it's his place to share those details and 2) even if it was, they aren't the business of anyone who wasn't in the killing game. Sorry, Minato. He sits up, resting his back against the bench and staring up at the sky.]
But...that might be partially or even wholly a lie. I don't know now. We saw the outside world and it...it was apocalyptic. There were no people in the streets, buildings were in shambles...we couldn't even breathe the air. So it all seems true, but...Oma-kun says that killing games are meant to be watched. If there's no audience, there's no point. And no need to stick so fiercely to the rules.
[As he speaks, it's taking everything Kaede has not to interrupt. She stares at him, jaw dropped, and glances toward Minato for a moment to make sure that he's hearing the same thing she is. Huh? Huh? Gophers? Meteors?]
Huh? [is all she can say again, dropping her hands and turning to face him more fully, eyes flicking across his face as if looking for-- something. She doesn't think Shuichi would joke about something like this, or tell lies, but this just doesn't make any sense.]
B-but... you don't seriously think that we'd be part of a group like that, do you? I mean... I'm just a Piano Freak.
[Who looks at all the people on Earth and says ah, yes, the pianist. Pick that one.]
Also... how could we forget something like that...? The whole world getting destroyed by meteors. [she almost laughs, but can't quite muster it, just shaking her head.] None of that makes any sense...
I don't know. But...right now, does it really matter if it's true or not? We're not in that Academy, we have no way of finding out the truth here. That's why I didn't tell you any of this before now...
[And if she hadn't asked, he never would have.]
But Monokuma had these things...Flashback Lights, he called them, that were capable of restoring out memories. It's not so impossible to think that he had something that did the reverse as well. Obviously, he must have, since none of us remembered how we got there in the first place, right?
[It kind of does matter! That's a big deal, Shuichi! Kaede looks shell-shocked to hear that Shuichi even thinks something like that even has the remotest chance of being true. Like... the whole world being destroyed? Where would they have gone, even if they'd been able to escape back then? It just makes everything she did seem even more pointless.
Even if they manage to save their world from the Hunger, is there a world left to save?
Shuichi doesn't know the answer to that any better than she does, though, and she forces herself to set those thoughts aside for later. Even bringing up the idea of a Flashback Light that alters their memories makes her stomach churn and her words stick in her throat.]
T-The video. The one Sans-san had somehow... it was a video of me. Talking to a camera a-as if... as if it were an audition.
[Elbows on her knees, her hands twine back into her hair again, tugging it back slightly as she stares at the ground. Like before with Minato, pulling her hair back like that reveals the thin, wispy streaks of blood that had dripped from her ears and since been swept around by her hair.]
I was saying... I wanted to join the Killing Game. That I was perfect for it...
[Shuichi stares at her in utterly dumbfounded silence. He's trying to process what she just said but it's like his mind has just come to a grinding halt. He doesn't really even register the thin streaks of blood around her ears and all of their surroundings seem to fall away.]
[But after a few minutes, light comes back to his eyes and he shakes his head a little, as if to clear it and strengthen his resolve. His voice is a soft whisper when he speaks:]
That...can't be right. It must have been some kind of... [He glances around helplessly, looking at Minato as if asking for support. What's the word he's looking for here, help him out. He's still so new to all this magic bullshit.] I-I don't know, illusion or spell...or something. This place is messing with our heads. Akamatsu-san, we never found anything like that at the academy...why would any of us have willingly signed up for something like that? Th-think about it logically for a second...if we did want to participate, why would Monokuma have made us forget that fact? It doesn't make any sense.
[ Minato looks a little surprised. It's a lot of information and not really his place to judge any of it so he's been silent while they talked, but wanting to join the killing game? Kaede's been adamant that it was horrible and she'd never wish it on anyone. But if this Monokuma could change their memories somehow... They don't want to hear that. ]
It could be showing you something you fear.
[ There's magic around. Pretty much anything is possible with that. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
gotyourbach) wrote2018-11-11 08:24 pm
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[Even if it shows something different to everyone who looks at it, which she's certain it must, she doesn't want to put Minato through anything like it. It just feels so real, like it was something that happened. If she hadn't seen something similar in Vista Virs, it'd be a lot easier to dismiss as a lie. But after all of that...
She keeps her face buried in her arms, staring down at the dirt between her feet.]
C-Can I ask you something kind of... kind of personal...? [she says finally, when she feels like her voice is more under control. It's still shaking, but it doesn't feel like she's going to throw up as soon as she opens her mouth. She doesn't wait for him to respond before continuing,] W-when you said... you had to learn how... how to care about people, what... what did it feel like before that...? Before you knew your friends?
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People were annoying. Everything was draining. It was... hard to care?
[ Hm. That's not it. That implies that he wanted to care and found it difficult. It was more like... ]
I had no desire to care. About anything. There wasn't anything to get out of it... It was too much energy, maybe. Wasn't worth the effort.
[ He hasn't exactly transformed into the rollercoaster of emotions that Kaede is, but he's gotten better at it. Even if his emotions are dull and he's still apathetic about most things. He's learning, slowly. ]
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[She repeats it, quietly, both hands twining back through her hair and tugging a little, as if that little pain will help ease the pounding spikes digging through her brain. Or at least distract her away from it. The motion reveals barely-dried lines of blood trickling down from her ears, streaky and wispy from where it had been swept up by her hair.]
Watching... watching what was in that orb, it felt... kind of like that. [The thought makes her feel sick again, and she doesn't dare lift her head as it rises in her throat. It takes her another few seconds to force herself past it and continue,] Just like... nothing mattered. Nobody mattered. That's not like me, Arisato-kun, b-but... it was me. Just like in the Vista Virs caverns, it felt like...
It felt like Despair.
[she whispers it as if admitting that's what it feels like it some kind of huge admission. And it is, especially now that her friends are relying on her to be the one to stay strong, to stay positive, hopeful against the darkness.]
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It's not joyous. But it happens.
[ Calling it Despair like that sounds like the word holds some deeper meaning to her. And she's worried about it happening to her, which... Well. ]
It bothers you?
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[Her voice pitches higher, fingers squeezing more tightly in her hair.]
Monokuma... that stupid bear, that's all he talked about! Despair, despair, despair! Even if bad stuff is happening, even if the worst possible things happen, there's just no way I'd just... give up, and let him win! S-So the me in that video, she...
[Kaede trails off again, staring at the ground. Something feels a little strange, distracting her from her diatribe. Then she sits up straight, hands falling to her sides as she looks around.]
Saihara-kun?
[She'd been too distracted earlier, but it's obvious now. He has to be nearby. Thanks, Paladin GPS!]
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[ He'll have to ask what the her in the video did later. He stands and looks up and down the road. Where's he at? ]
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[She scrubs her hands across her face, inhaling a shaky breath as if that might help restore some of her composure. It doesn't, really, but she has to try. Is he coming because, like Minato, he sensed her through their joined Oath? Or could it be--
She surges to her feet with renewed determination, wavers, and has to grab onto Minato's shoulder for support.]
W-we can't let him see Sans-san's video! We have to find him!
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[Fortunately, they don't have to look very far to find him. Because he comes wandering around the side of a nearby building before they get a chance to take more than two or three steps.]
[He's glancing around in a way that says he's not 100% sure if he's in the right spot. But that uncertainty disappears in a second once he actually catches sight of Kaede.]
A-Akamatsu-san!
[He jogs a few steps closer, and that's when he notices that Minato is here as well. He falters a little, coming to a stop sooner than he would have otherwise. Is...is he interrupting something? He's probably interrupting something. His eyes move back and forth between the two of them.]
Ah...Are you okay? I felt...uhm... [Stabbing pain and lots of distress.] I-I can go if I'm interrupting. I just...wanted to be sure you were okay. It felt like...you were in pain.
[But she seems to be fine now so maybe it wasn't actually as bad as the oath made it seem?]
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I felt it too.
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[She doesn't even acknowledge whether or not he's interrupting, because that's such a stupid question it's not worth addressing. Shuichi could never be an interruption. Like, for one thing, he's too quiet to really interrupt anything.
Instead she just feels -- she doesn't know. Her emotions are still roiling from that video, guilt that she's bothered him trying and failing to penetrate that veil of apathy that keeps falling between her emotions. Her head still hurts, and now that she's not running to try to find him, nausea is starting to rise in her throat again.
Minato's right, though; she does hug him, though it's more in search of support than an attempt to reassure him.]
I'm sorry, [she mumbles, and isn't sure if she's apologizing for bothering him, or apologizing for not being stronger for him.] Did you see... Sans-san talking about that cursed orb?
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Um...who is Sans-san? [So that's a no. He saw nothing about any orbs, cursed or otherwise.] And...you don't need to apologize?
["WHY are you apologizing" is what he really wants to ask.]
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[ Maybe Shuichi has seen Sans around. He's kind of hard to forget. Minato leans against the bench now that he's not needed to keep Kaede upright. ]
never hit enter on this one, gg me
[She nods with Minato's description. It's not very descriptive, really, but Sans is the only walking, talking skeleton with a bracer that she's ever met.
Shuichi really is bad about checking the network though, huh...? In some ways, that's a relief, and she closes her eyes to rest her forehead against his shoulder for a moment. They're close enough that even without hugging her back, Shuichi will be able to tell that she's shaking.]
Saihara-kun... [she says finally, very quietly without raising her head.] Umm... c-can I ask you some things about... about that awful game? Please, t-there's... there's something I need to know.
gg butthead
[Judging by the look of recognition, Shuichi HAS seen the skeleton around before. They ran into each other briefly on the train, though he can't say he actually knows him.]
[But, yes, he is really bad about checking the network. Someone save this technologically impaired teenager.]
Ah...uhm... [He glances uncertainly at Minato before answering. She...she must have told him about the killing game at some point, surely? From what he can tell, they're very close and if she feels comfortable enough to mention it in front of him like this... Or has she not? And is that perhaps why she's referring to it simply as "that awful game"? Something vague and non-specific.] Of course. R-Right now, or...
kel said skip mintato
[She doesn't want to break the hug. If anything, she squeezes him more tightly, as if trying to gather her strength before she does finally release him and step back. There was a bench somewhere, wasn't there? She hadn't been in any shape to pay attention, but she's certain Minato lead her to a bench before.]
Sans-san... he said he recorded the Night Show, b-but that awful orb didn't show it at all. It was like...
[She hesitates, spots that bench, and takes a few wobbly steps toward it. She looks back toward Shuichi to make sure he's following, then catches Minato's eye and tilts her head to indicate that he should follow, too. There's no one she trusts more than the two of them, after all.]
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[Do go on, Kaede.]
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Either way, she can't hold his gaze, hands going to her head to massage away a throbbing headache, her elbows against her knees. Saying it out loud is kind of like making it true, in a way, isn't it? Admitting that she's afraid, when Shuichi at the very least needs her to be strong and reliable. So she stares at the ground as she starts to ask something, stops, composes herself again as she hears her voice start to shake. Rephrases.]
There's...
...
You guys... never found anything that talked about how we got to that awful Academy, right? W-why... why we were the ones in that horrible game...?
v3 spoilers
[But wow, that is...not what he was expecting her to ask. Oh boy. He was kind of hoping she'd never ask this, just because the answer is kind of complicated and uncertain.]
Yes and no. I thought we had it all figured out but... [With a sigh, he runs a hand through his hair and takes the seat on Kaede's other side, leaning forward and resting his arms on his thighs.] Supposedly, it was because the Earth was wiped out by meteors. In order to deal with the oncoming catastrophe, the leaders of the world started the Gofer Project. The academy was actually a spaceship and the sixteen of us were the last survivors of humanity, meant to be the Adams and Eves of a new world. Monokuma was snuck onboard by a cult bent on humanity's complete destruction. He sent the ship back to Earth, years later, woke us all up, and started the...killing game [It's safe to call it that in front of Minato, right? Why can't you just call it what it is, Kaede?] in order to ruin the Gofer Project.
[Leaving a few details out on purpose there. Sorry about that, Kaede, but he's 1) not sure it's his place to share those details and 2) even if it was, they aren't the business of anyone who wasn't in the killing game. Sorry, Minato. He sits up, resting his back against the bench and staring up at the sky.]
But...that might be partially or even wholly a lie. I don't know now. We saw the outside world and it...it was apocalyptic. There were no people in the streets, buildings were in shambles...we couldn't even breathe the air. So it all seems true, but...Oma-kun says that killing games are meant to be watched. If there's no audience, there's no point. And no need to stick so fiercely to the rules.
[He looks over at Kaede, expression puzzled.]
Why?
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[As he speaks, it's taking everything Kaede has not to interrupt. She stares at him, jaw dropped, and glances toward Minato for a moment to make sure that he's hearing the same thing she is. Huh? Huh? Gophers? Meteors?]
Huh? [is all she can say again, dropping her hands and turning to face him more fully, eyes flicking across his face as if looking for-- something. She doesn't think Shuichi would joke about something like this, or tell lies, but this just doesn't make any sense.]
B-but... you don't seriously think that we'd be part of a group like that, do you? I mean... I'm just a Piano Freak.
[Who looks at all the people on Earth and says ah, yes, the pianist. Pick that one.]
Also... how could we forget something like that...? The whole world getting destroyed by meteors. [she almost laughs, but can't quite muster it, just shaking her head.] None of that makes any sense...
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[And if she hadn't asked, he never would have.]
But Monokuma had these things...Flashback Lights, he called them, that were capable of restoring out memories. It's not so impossible to think that he had something that did the reverse as well. Obviously, he must have, since none of us remembered how we got there in the first place, right?
Why do you ask, though?
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Even if they manage to save their world from the Hunger, is there a world left to save?
Shuichi doesn't know the answer to that any better than she does, though, and she forces herself to set those thoughts aside for later. Even bringing up the idea of a Flashback Light that alters their memories makes her stomach churn and her words stick in her throat.]
T-The video. The one Sans-san had somehow... it was a video of me. Talking to a camera a-as if... as if it were an audition.
[Elbows on her knees, her hands twine back into her hair again, tugging it back slightly as she stares at the ground. Like before with Minato, pulling her hair back like that reveals the thin, wispy streaks of blood that had dripped from her ears and since been swept around by her hair.]
I was saying... I wanted to join the Killing Game. That I was perfect for it...
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[Shuichi stares at her in utterly dumbfounded silence. He's trying to process what she just said but it's like his mind has just come to a grinding halt. He doesn't really even register the thin streaks of blood around her ears and all of their surroundings seem to fall away.]
[But after a few minutes, light comes back to his eyes and he shakes his head a little, as if to clear it and strengthen his resolve. His voice is a soft whisper when he speaks:]
That...can't be right. It must have been some kind of... [He glances around helplessly, looking at Minato as if asking for support. What's the word he's looking for here, help him out. He's still so new to all this magic bullshit.] I-I don't know, illusion or spell...or something. This place is messing with our heads. Akamatsu-san, we never found anything like that at the academy...why would any of us have willingly signed up for something like that? Th-think about it logically for a second...if we did want to participate, why would Monokuma have made us forget that fact? It doesn't make any sense.
[But spaceship academy does, apparently?]
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It could be showing you something you fear.
[ There's magic around. Pretty much anything is possible with that. ]
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